4/12/11

what i would do to be a kid again.

it's an unreal feeling sometimes to come to grips with myself being a twenty-four year old, going on twenty-five. with my quarter-of-a-century birth date soon approaching (may second, i'm a taurus, look it up), i shake my head as if to wake out of some fucked up day dream only to wish it actually was. i'm a fucking adult? this is terrifying to me. up until last year i had difficulty even remembering my age; my answer was always "oh, me? seventeen.... uh, wait...". i have a savings account. i have keys to my own place. i buy toilet paper and i take out my own garbage and recycling. i no longer can dodge the government like some strange game of hide-and-go-seek; my name is on paper work, i pay taxes, people know i exist... no longer am i only recognized as my parents child but as a working-class citizen. freaky.

i'll be completely honest, i hate working. i hate having a job. i've had what feels like hundreds of jobs since i was legal to work; the longest i've worked anywhere has been about a year and a half, because i easily tire and grow bored of whatever it is i'm doing. as each job comes and goes, i realize more and i more that i really just don't like answering to anyone. not to say that i don't respect being taught something new or learning from elders and those more experienced than i am... i just don't like feeling like i'm wasting time and wasting my time is me doing something i don't 100% want to do. to me, most of my jobs are just myself killing time... or me desperately needing money. i think these are the two reasons most people work where they do. whatever happened to that age-old understanding as a child that if you wanted to be a fire fighter when you were a kid, you could become a fire fighter. fuck, if you wanted to be a dinosaur YOU WOULD ONE DAY BE A DINOSAUR. and then you grow up and the real world smashes into you, crippling you like a crash test dummy. people start to tell you that you're not good enough or under qualified. i don't know about you, but when i was a kid i knew i wanted to be an artist. as a kid i knew most regular jobs suck balls. i was always told i had talent, and i believed it. then you go to art school and are told because you're not as good as the asian kid sitting next to you at a computer program that all of your artistic talent is pretty much useless. this is where all the confidence that my parents worked so hard to give me began to melt away like a barbie in a microwave.

right now, i've got it pretty good. not great, but good. my job pays well, i like most of the people i work with and i feel secure... it's a little-known trait that i harbor (and don't like to talk about publicly) but yes, feeling secure is something incredibly important to me. just that peace of mind we all strive for is enough to have ourselves pulling our semi-content, tired old bodies through the dirt day after day in the corporate world. what it comes down to for me is that thin line dividing what we are all equally taught, but both sides completely cancel out the other: one side being, "you only live once". and the other being "i need to be able to afford rent this week".

where i would fucking love to get up from my desk chair right now, rip the iPod headphones out of my skull and tell everyone to "suck it" before running out of the office like the Flash, i'm also wise enough to know that my boyfriend and i need to eat dinner tonight, tomorrow and... for the rest of our lives. so is it really better to always have your ass covered and just keep that dead-end job just to have a job? or should you jump into the deep end without dipping your toes in first and lead yourself blind to see what happens? the thin line that divides these two options will always be the bane of my existence.

the way i see it, i don't have kids yet. i guess when you have kids most of your life inhibitions go out the window along with your hard-partying days. you no longer are number one in your life, but forever to come to a close number two. should i start taking some stupid risks while my womb is still an empty tomb? i wish things were a little more black and white in life, because to be completely honest as much as the thought of trying to do something new excites me, i don't even know what  something new would be. i'm a chicken. but i would like to have a different change of pace in my life; looking forward to going to work. to quote the beach boys, "wouldn't it be nice."



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