so if you read shirk regularly, you're aware of a weekly feature here on the blog called things i love fridays. i love keeping things happy, fun, hilarious and energetic... because most of the time, that's how i roll. i love the celebration of all things simple and good in life because as a human being, i've always got my goddamn head in the clouds. but there's nothing like a good, ripping smack across the cheek from the hard, damp, cold hand we call reality. and i got such a heavy dose of it today that it's borderline unreal. almost one of those, "okay... this is a joke, right?" which has now inspired me so passionately to express to you, lovely shirk readers, things that i fucking. hate.
CELL PHONE ALARM CLOCKS
am i the only person in the world who either can't a) work a cell phone alarm clock, or b) their cell phone alarm clock is so insanely complicated, more complicated than any alarm clock should ever be, that it's causing you to be late up to a few times a week? yeah, well. i've been late for work at least once a week the last few weeks because of this. i woke up this morning with sunshine in my eyes... hm. usually by the time i get up in the morning it might as well still be fucking 3 o'clock in the goddamn morning. what do you know, my alarm that i set last night before bed (that i feverishly checked about three times before actually going to bed because i wanted to make sure everything was perfect, even ask my boyfriend) DIDN'T GO OFF. thus meaning i'm going to have to invest in an actual alarm clock and find somewhere in my one room apartment to put it. i don't have a bedside table. there's no room for a bedside table. meaning, where the fuck do i put an alarm clock?
i live on a pretty, quiet little street, but because of that come winter time, no one plows my street. yesterday was the first day over 0 degrees in a while, so the snow started to melt... and then it got cold again today so EVERYTHING WAS ICE. so when i called my cab this morning, it was late. the driving conditions are unbelievable. my cab lost control of the car a few times and almost t-boned a passing car. yaaaay! why don't we all just use fucking snow mobiles, seriously? i have a furry hat... who wants to put me together a dog-sled team? i'm great with a whip! MUSH. MUUUSH, I SAY!
i finally, out of breath and damp, get into my cubical. put my shit down, and first things first (which i do every morning) is turn on my computer. i stop and freeze when i notice one of my KEYBOARD KEYS HAS BEEN RIPPED OFF AND IS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. this is where i pause and start to insanely laugh to myself that this isn't real, this isn't real.i asked someone if they've seen anyone use my computer. nope! well i tried hammering it back on and it won't soooo. i just dropped my shit and walked downstairs immediately ordering the largest, strongest, blackest coffee i could get. hey, if i could order a fucking shot of jack daniels, i would. but WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...
WHEN I FORGET SHIT
i swear to god, before the last year and a half or so, i had the memory of a god. i could remember every little detail about everything i saw, heard... i was golden. now i need to carry around a goddam book in my bag to remember life's simple tasks. perhaps, yes, i do have quite a heavy plate lately, but still. i said to myself after finally sitting down at my desk that a little disney music would surely cheer me up (in the most mentally disabled way possible) and totally forgot that i asked jesse a week ago to download the music and pass it over to my computer. so it looks like ... (checks ipod)... amy winehouse, your drunken-ass is going to have to suffice today.
WHEN SOMEONE GOES AHEAD AND DOES SOMETHING THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT ASKING AND THEN GIVES YOU SHIT FOR NOT DOING IT
i've noticed this has been happening to me a lot lately in all types of scenarios in my life. once again, it's hard for people who don't really know me not to assume i'm a lazy asshole; it's only fair. but i make a good effort to show people that i'm incredibly organized, a border-line insane control freak (in ways that are good, not bad... not emotionally or anything) and a perfectionist; thus meaning i have a good grasp on time management. when i'm asked/told to do something, i immediately slot it into my mind's schedule and find the right time accordingly to do the task. like, when i know it's garbage day... i'll fucking take out the garbage. don't take out my garbage for me because you get up an hour earlier and then give me a dirty look when i'm on my way out of the house. don't shit on my head and call it a hat.... okay, that doesn't really apply, but you get the idea.
WHEN PEOPLE MAKE YOU FEEL STUPID FOR LIKING THE THINGS YOU DO
i have an issue where a lot of things that people find completely stupid really crack me up. my boyfriend seems to think that i have an insane cartoon infatuation, when in reality i just watch a lot of them because on netflix THAT'S ALL THERE REALLY IS when it comes down to stupid, nonsensical humor. i love crap like family guy, clone high, sponge bob square pants and etc because the story lines, dialogue and jokes are so insanely random. i like randomness. but sometimes i burst out laughing at things like, "G SPOT ROCKS THE G SPOT" (clone high) and get a look back from whomever i'm with like, "uh, yeeeah." or there's nothing worse than watching episodes of saturday night live and kristen wig comes out and does this insanely hilarious character and you can hear the audience not really getting it... i'm like, keep up people! this is comedic gold! at the end of the day, i'm completely aware of how easy i am to entertain. but don't make me feel stupid about it.
can someone hurry up and event something useful to me? like, unrippable tights? i just bought these babies, caught a chipped up piece of my desk and now there's a hole in my thigh. i'm trying to go for the clean, educated and well put together look... leave the courtney love look for the hoes. and mama don't raise no ho.
alright nature, i fucking cut up and cooked a goddamn onion LAST NIGHT and i've showered, washed my hands multiple times and even used hand sanitizer; why must you stick to me, onion smell? i'm trying to maintain a job + friends + lifestyle, here. i have a rep to protect.
you know what? i feel really good letting out that steam. i feel great now! LIFE IS GREAT! here's your happy song of the day!
*brittney townson does not, repeat, does not suffer from bipolar disorder